5guitarplayersoneguitar

yet.

2012-02-16T00:35:00.002-05:00

i want to cry. i want to hit. i want to cuss. i want to drive.

but i can't do any of them.

yet.

numbness

2012-02-15T00:33:00.003-05:00

i'm scared of the numbness. it's a feeling i haven't had in quite a while and hoped i'd never feel again. yet, here i am, numb.

i guess it's good that i know this feeling. that i get what it is. but i feel like i'm heading towards a downward spiral that i don't want to fall into.

at least i'm eating this time. getting fat even.

it'll keep me sane.

hopefully.

sleep deprivation

2012-02-11T03:28:00.002-05:00

it's the past...stop living in it.

and go to fucking sleep.

next up...moving.

shit.

2012-02-11T00:28:00.001-05:00

well.

that was the awful week from hell.

the town i love always breaks my heart.

so cruelly.

each time.

sad day...

2012-01-30T17:29:00.003-05:00

R.I.P.

Can of Whoop Ass.

you were created and given to me back in 1997 or so.during the old days at the state press at ASU. a joke that followed me to every job i ever had in journalism, thank you ed carter and mostly john sheehy.

now, i have a soiled label from a can of whoop ass. who knows what the contents of that old can of something actually were. only aaron brutcher (sp?) knew.

maybe that's the sign i've really been waiting for. the end of a run in this field?

we shall see...

broke ass

2012-01-30T16:42:00.003-05:00

how many times can one watch 'the wire'? i'm watching it again. and it still holds up. never really get tired of it.

walked a long ass way today. on the beach. calves are hurting. i'm out of shape again.

getting nervous about things. we shall see.

one week of work before i hit new orleans. need that. even though i'm broke....

older, budweiser

2012-01-27T11:07:00.002-05:00

since when is 66 degrees cold? i should be warm. it's january. but instead, i feel a bit on the cool side.

getting old blows.

stressed ...

2012-01-27T00:12:00.001-05:00

wow. that was a whirlwind of a couple of days. lots of emotion. lots of driving. lots of thinking and worry.

here's hoping this is the worst it gets, b/c i can't do much more of this.

and yes, this is vague.

it has to be.

for now.

here's to going to new orleans next week. much needed vacation...

don't die...

2012-01-19T10:39:00.003-05:00

yeah, it's cold.

but it ain't that cold.

sitting on the couch under a blanket isn't ideal, but it's cheap.

one day, i'll look back at this and laugh, wonder why i was so occupied with thoughts, with meaningless fears, sadness and dread.

or, i'll die in a shitty car wreck or dive bar.

i know which i'd prefer.

the IDC factor

2012-01-11T02:32:00.001-05:00

well, the i don't care factor reached a pretty big mark today.

so, i watched tv and ate triscuits.

dead horse

2012-01-07T00:03:00.003-05:00

i reached for a paper towel after washing my hands. a bug flew out and hovered over the sink, watching it, i got depressed. "this is what my life has become," i thought, taking a huge sigh while drying off my hands. i remember when a newsroom used to be the center of my universe. it started in college. not the first time, but the second time. and i fell in love with it. the camaraderie i felt with the guys and gals in the section, as well as the brotherhood you felt with even those that you couldn't stand. we all seemed to be there because we loved it. now, almost 20 years later, very few of us are still doing it. some became PR flacks. some teach. others just gave up and blew away with the wind. i tried to get out, well, it tried to get rid of me first, then i came back. i do miss it. the thrill of a story, the rapid heartbeat when you get something no one else has. when you see it in print it is magical. but that doesn't happen much anymore. someone gets a story and you tweet it. then it's everywhere in seconds and no one much cares for who got it first. the work it took to get it. the value is gone, and that's sad. kind of like this bug. i don't have the heart to squash it. i figure i'm squashed enough. as my life veers out of control in a good way now, i start to wonder what i'll be doing in a year. will my "friends" in the industry scoff at it. i'm starting to not care. well, i tell myself that.

karma, karma, karma...

2012-01-05T23:41:00.002-05:00

keep throwing coal into the karma train. eventually, it'll stop at your house...

a thought..

2012-01-05T01:03:00.002-05:00

it's bitterly cold in here. i have two space heaters going and the wind outside blowing through the vents makes it feel like they are just pumping out more cool air. the ability to deal with it surprises me sometimes. my teeth hurt from the cold. my eyes are dry and don't see very well anymore. the quiet sometimes gnaws at my brain a little too much. i wonder why after all these years, i still spell gnaw, knaw? the face of the unknown makes me happy. it scares me, but i'm sure not as much as it scares her. the job i want doesn't exist anymore, and trying to figure out what else to do scares me. necessity will soon enough make me do something, i want to do something, but not anything. but i feel anything is what will be done.

be

2012-01-04T01:35:00.001-05:00

i keep trying to promise myself to get back here...because it is important. i have lots to say, lots of things are happening in my life, things that need to be written about.

yet, i'm scared to.

and that disappoints me.

but, it will pass. eventually. hopefully.

or else i'll just be like all the things i don't want to be.

R.I.P. joe...

2011-12-22T10:39:00.000-05:00

10 years is a long time...

R.I.P. Joe...

rhubarb

2011-12-16T11:40:00.002-05:00

is a long time between even attempting to sit down in front of this keyboard and type something.

drank a beer last night. then drank another. then i got tired and just fell asleep.

it's a wonder i can contain myself with all the excitement that that entains.

sent out christmas cards. last year i sent over 30. this year, just 25.

i got four last year. i have two so far this year.

it's better to give than to receive. remember that.

i may still send out three more, but i have to track down addresses. that's the rub. right? it's so much easier to just wait until christmas and send a text message or a facebook comment!!!

where's the emp to wipe it all away?

it's supposed to be near 70 today. it's not. i went outside and it was in the high-50s. i'm sure it will be warmer when i'm at work. sitting in that cubicle, listening to my co-workers fart, burp and chew.

funny to hear that the guy who didn't hire me sees me as a "wasted" resource in the company. that made me laugh for a moment yesterday. hope you love the chicken fucker you hired instead. and by no means does that imply the person fucks chickens, just seems to be an apt moniker.

the mail comes earlier this time of year. i wonder if the postal service treated every time of year like the christmas holidays that they'd be in better shape?

doubt it.

just like me.

rhubarb. now there's a funny word.

just...

2011-12-07T22:56:00.003-05:00

saw the lindsey lohan playboy cover...

blech.

go back to being a redhead, honey. it'll help.

a little.

...

the wind is howling like an m-fer right now. the police are swarming around cars as well. it's not a good night to a/try and put up christmas lights or fly a kite, or b/drive drunk.

so don't do either of them.

in honor of being too broke...

2011-12-02T13:42:00.003-05:00

to go to either of these concerts that i should be at tonight and saturday....

one at the WWT

the other at the pourhouse in raleigh...

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat.

2011-12-02T13:31:00.004-05:00

sure.

waiting to go to work. have to stay past midnight tonight, so going in at the normal time isn't an option. amazing how little there is to do.

just paid bills. my entire paycheck...poof.

two more weeks of nada.

wonder if anyone expects christmas gifts this year? 'cause the funds simply don't exist.

woe is me.

ha.

anyways, the g/f is meeting the family this weekend. sunday to be exact. that outta be interesting. wonder which dad will show up? drunk or sober? happy or mad? kind or mean?

yeah, he used to read this, he may still, so, if you do dad, shape up for a day...

had to do a four-page wrap by the seat of my pants yesterday. it ended up looking pretty damn awful. wonder what it'll look like in print? egads.

the amount of angst in that office is now like the cliched thick-ass fog. you can cut it with an exacto!

the ringleader is in one of its "i don't give a shit" modes, which means the burdens of it all fall on us, the shit scoopers. i kind of wish i could just put FUCK in a story and be done with it. won't ever do it, i respect the (former) state of journalism to ever do such a thing.

the job search isn't going anywhere. i really want to be out of here by march. we shall see.

fritters, funky, fatties, fungus, funyuns, fritos, fry-daddy, function, false, fact, fandango, fart, flute, flautist, fling, flung, fluke, fore, forte, finalist, fatalist, fantastic, furby, fried, faction, forgotten, forgiven, foreskin, fortune, factotum, faust, fast, fur, furrier, furriest, faux, foe, forming, foaming, faggot, funny, fug, fog, foggy, fit

done.

what korea?

2011-12-01T03:17:00.003-05:00

i sat down today, thinking i'd write something.

instead, i ate four sausages and tater tots, watched law and order and "repo chick".

failure is not an option.

neither is being this g-d cold.

brrr...

looked for jobs as well. didn't see anything. started to change my linkedin shit. it's depressing.

anyone hiring? i'd love to sell you some coronas out of a pail on the beach. i'll take minimum wage plus tips.

he.

he.

heh.

the gerbil will pass 50K sometime this week. maybe early next week. that means the warranty's shot. got what? 18 months? but she's still purring along. keep changing that oil and such and hopefully she'll go another 18 years...

anyway, i'll close (going to bed) with this:

codgy

2011-11-30T12:13:00.002-05:00

i hate cold weather.

seriously.

***

finding a new job is turning out to be difficult, once again. no one wants an old journalist...

we shall find one, however. i do believe in it.

***

got aggravated yesterday. by a photo. my dumbass fault for looking at it.

***

have a cold. don't want a cold.

***

misses writing. gonna force myself to sit down and type tonight. it'll be a trainwreck, i'm sure.

not

2011-11-25T11:36:00.001-05:00

oh neglected life of the mind...

when shall i return to you?

never?

certainly not.

today?

probably not.

tomorrow.

sure, why not?

alive

2011-11-24T22:32:00.001-05:00

i fucking love this song...

hearing it live the other night in nashville, solidified it.

god damn ben nichols, you keep me going.

thank you...

hmc

2011-11-24T22:28:00.003-05:00

i want to be better about writing.

i want to be better about living.

i want to better about being better.

it's tough though.

she makes me happy. she makes me sad.

so does my past.

it's the eternal struggle that my DNA has decided to present to me.

...

drunk by noon on new years day
In the hills outside of town some place
With the smoke and the wine
And a stranger's eyes
Smoke and the wine and the whiskey don't mix
Shaken' so bad, think I'm gonna be sick
Buy 'another scotch as I head to the door
Now it won't make me better
But I want to make sure
Now hold, me close,
I love you more than you know
And I step outside
Now I drank away all of my fears and my doubts
Stole away hearts from town to town
Now the things I fear
Come back here
I feel the cold ground underneath my boots
For no good reason it reminds me of you
Never made good, though I tried and I tried
So I turn back around...
And I walk inside
Now hold, me close
I love you more than you know
Now hold, me close
I love you more than you know
and that won't make things right

frightening

2011-11-17T01:28:00.001-05:00

saw something frightening tonight. in a good way.

maybe there's hope for me yet?

chapter end...

2011-11-14T18:09:00.004-05:00

jukebox fund...

2011-11-14T18:09:00.001-05:00

added $7.37 today.

up to $431.08.

ha.

73 degrees and all...

2011-11-14T12:10:00.002-05:00

it's nov. 14.

it's 73 degrees out.

kind of nice.

wish i could enjoy it.

but, that's just not gonna happen.

such is the life,

i continue to live.

aren't you supposed to get smarter?

not dumber.

as the days press on...

joe

2011-11-09T23:09:00.001-05:00

i had an interview for a job today. a phoner.

it went great. until i was told how much it pays. i wasn't expecting much, but a pay cut from my measly barely able to survive salary that i have now wasn't expected.

damn this industry.

warren...

2011-11-01T22:53:00.001-04:00

all i want to watch lately are warren oates movies...

i just bid on a vhs copy of "92 in the shade".

it sounds like my kinda flick.

hopefully, WO is my new inspiration.

we shall see. new month and all...

normal for you...

2011-10-27T19:46:00.003-04:00

home at 7 p.m. nice. it's amazing how great one can feel when "normalcy" happens. i'm going to get to watch the UVA-Miami game, drink a couple beers, eat a pizza, listen to some lucero and just plain enjoy the night.

this job needs to change into another job. i hear all these things about what needs to happen, and i interject my part, yet nothing ever happens...it rarely has in this industry for quite a while now.

saw a paid (stipend only + housing) opportunity in NO that i may look into. it'll be tough to do financially, but mentally it'll be such a nice thing. if it's feasible, or if they have others later, i may have finally found my out.

just like the free airfare to japan thing if you blog about it. i'll do it if it actually happens. then i can see ed. that would be sweet.

anyways, cooking and drinking now...

SLF

2011-10-27T19:13:00.001-04:00

listen.

i need to.

thought about it

2011-10-27T01:50:00.001-04:00

it's windy outside and i should be asleep.

drank two beers. at red beans and rice. started two movies, didn't finish either of them.

didn't do anything else.

thought about it though.

romance...

2011-10-17T15:18:00.000-04:00

fat ass m'fer...

2011-10-17T13:37:00.002-04:00

yep. i've allowed myself to "go" the last few months.

seems that's the pattern i follow when i get involved with someone. i forget about eating somewhat decently and don't ever exercise. well, ever's not the right term...

i'd gotten up to around 235 pounds as recently as a couple weeks ago. that's almost 40 pounds over my best a couple years ago.

since moving here, i've gone from 205 to 220, back to 210, only to slip up to 235.

so, i started trying again.

most of the weight gain is probably b/c i'd allowed myself to drink sodas again. completely useless, they are. and drinking two or three a day at work has caught up with me. it's made me fat, it's made me not be able to sleep, it's done a lot of things i'm sure.

so, i'm on day two of no soda and just walked 5.5 miles.

weighed myself and i was at 222 pounds. goal by the end of the year is 208.

later folk.

jericho and georgia tech

2011-10-16T03:11:00.002-04:00

watched jericho for five hours straight tonight. that's productive.

gonna get someplace with that work ethic.

at least UVA beat Georgia Tech today.

later.

downpressor man...

2011-10-14T11:19:00.004-04:00

the pity party(well, short gathering) of last night is over.

i got blind-sided a bit by a memory and a chance encounter and i didn't deal with it very well emotionally.

i did, however, not hit the sauce. i don't drink alone much anymore. but, i've said that a million times.

last weekend, i got really drunk hanging out with friends and the g/f. it was good. i miss my friends. i wish they didn't all live so damn far away from me. spread out all over the place.

but, it's been a good few months. lots of time spent with those friends and the g/f.

i don't know where i'll be this time next year, i hope it's not here. i hope it's happier.

the pressure of paying bills and feeling like shit when i look at my bank account are less. consolidating was the best thing i've done since, hell, maybe moving to arizona? kissing a girl? driving aimlessly on a warm april night?

fuck i don't know. don't really care.

a little over a month from now and i'll be in nashville. two nights in a row of lucero shows. it's been nearly a year since the last time i got to see the boys play. the longest drought in my lucero history. but, by going to back to back shows i will keep alive my streak of seeing them at least two times a year. i plan on getting royally drunk and most likely making a fool out of myself. hopefully, in a good way, but one never knows....

i have a feeling that 2012 is going to be a much better time. it's an election year, after all. they always seen to bring change. good and bad.

i guess i should start getting ready to go to work. last night was giggle-filled. it's funny to watch a bunch of dudes giggle so much. it happens every so often, and it seems it happens more often on thursdays and fridays when certain parts of the machine aren't there. and that's ok. everyone needs that.

talked with my roommate at writing the other day. he finished a fucking novel for god's sake. i've got to get off my ass and finish a story. ha.

going to be blasting peter tosh today on the way to work. enjoy yourself some...

it happens when you least expect it.

2011-10-14T03:22:00.002-04:00

was reading the feed today on the old f'book. and saw something i honestly never thought i'd see...

her name.

next to another friend's name. so and so is now friends with so and so.

god fucking damn.

it's not supposed to matter anymore. it's not supposed to hurt...

sad day.

2011-10-14T02:18:00.003-04:00

i sat here tonight and all i did was eat garlic triscuits and watch jericho on netflix.

and while thinking that thought, before typing it, it seemed way too familiar.

someone's got a generator or some kind of engine running outside.

it's like a gnat buzzing, it so far away. but not too far away to be annoying.

crickets chirping and they don't annoy.

cats meowing and they don't annoy.

that fucking generator? it's annoying.

my legs are really skinny now. i bet i couldn't ride my bike for more than a mile or two now. i think about that bridge to the mainland, and wonder how far up it i'd make before having to walk?

i look at mike at work and i wonder if that's my future? or is it more like J? i have no idea. it scares me a bit, but not enough.

i wrote last night. on paper. it felt good. i fell asleep tired and happy. i never typed it up. i may do it sometime. post it on the other blog. where i'm supposed to be dedicated.

far away someone is slowly inching toward either the best decision he ever made, or the worst. he'll think of it that way in the not too distant future. i hope for his sake it's the right one. but both are right. of course, both could end in disaster.

been there. done it. and so far, they've all ended in disaster.

that's no way to look at it son, i can hear my dad trying to say, but more likely coming out in some incomprehensible drunken babble. i thought for a little while a few years ago that i'd have some kind of relationship with him. that time and health and grand kids had finally convinced him to get his act together.

i was wrong.

and it saddens me. daily.

here kitty, kitty

2011-10-13T01:08:00.003-04:00

i'm trying to get back to writing again. back to at least accomplishing something in my head, if not in reality.

i also have to get the heck out of dodge. this place is becoming a bit of hell for me.

not in some kind of horrid way, but just in the complete lack of anything way. i'm starting to just exist again. going to work and loathing it. what used to provide amusement and satisfaction aren't.

time to jump ship.

south or west. west or south. those are the options. those are the conversations that need to happen.

soon.

really soon.

i like this. it feels right. there's a cat outside my window right now. it's making a lot of noise. here kitty, kitty, kitty.

yelling.

2011-10-13T01:07:00.002-04:00

did some of that today.

cussing as well.

it felt good.

while i did it.

then it felt stupid.

not dead yet...

2011-10-10T15:44:00.000-04:00

Bright Star article

2011-09-27T18:55:00.010-04:00

Here's a scan of the Dec. 2000 front page article from the Memphis Flyer on Lucero.

I'll post a photo of the cover image when I get to it later...

Hope you can read this...

dates...

2011-09-23T12:24:00.002-04:00

i have a small thing with remember dates. good. bad. indifferent dates.

today is crystal's birthday.

why i thought about it is simply because i looked at the date on my phone, and it popped into my head. "hell, today's crystal's birthday."

it does so with a lot of people from my past. my present.

and yet i can't remember some dates that i should.

funny how i prioritize things. internalize them.

while i was in ireland, i went in thinking i'd see a lot of redheads and be reminded of emily constantly.

instead, i saw very few redheads (until the last two days), and instead saw plenty of women who looked like crystal. same eyes. same nose. same butt.

life does that sometimes. and it keeps it interesting.

kind of like when one of my teeth will finally fall out of my mouth. my guess is it will happen at a bar sometime. i'll be eating a peanut, or maybe just kissing my lady and plop, it will fall out. not sure which one it will be...but i am curious.

jukebox fundage update...

2011-09-23T12:19:00.002-04:00

added a small amount of $9.01 to the fund today. almost four months since my last addition. shamefully small bit there...

total is now at $424.71

wowza...

2011-09-23T02:19:00.002-04:00

a new favorite band...

they need to come to eastern North Carolina soon...

please..

eyes

2011-09-21T01:20:00.001-04:00

ok...

2011-09-21T01:15:00.002-04:00

so, i wrote something for my other blog (finally).

it's bad. but it's a start.

it's about the same ol' shite, as well as me coming to grips with something stirring inside me that i don't trust.

dangerous words to type, write, think, say. but it's got to be done. honesty and truth will carry you through. eventually, at least.

and jerking off will ... make you come.

no, not funny at all.

it doesn't really matter anymore...

2011-09-14T03:10:00.004-04:00

it's been a while (again) and i don't seem to care.

my face itches a lot.

my bank account is empty.

everyone i used to hang out with is gone.

the beach is outside my window.

i haven't used the word mulct in a long, long time.

searching on the internet doesn't interest me.

neither does watching television.

once i knew, now i don't.

i listen to more music than most people do.

except for many of my friends.

i wanted to be a writer.

but it didn't turn out right.

my soul is searching,

searching for something in the night.

apart from shitty words,

nothing seems to be the way

i always thought it should,

or could,

or maybe even would.

hi-falootin'

2011-08-30T01:41:00.002-04:00

well.

i guess this month will go down as the least written about one since i started all this nonsense back in 2005.

things are good.

i'm dirt poor as usual.

my job sucks ass. but it's a paycheck, and damn it, i'm good at what i do. even when i don't get a chance to show it often.

i'm dating, slow and steady progress. the gal is cool. we're both a bit strange and we both hate telephones. so, we're good for each other.

my trip to the UK is ready to go. so i definitely won't be around for quite a bit.

finding money to spend is going to be interesting. especially with high-rollers as my traveling companions. but they know i'm poor. destitute would even be a word i'd use. so, it shouldn't be too bad.

my teeth are awful.

my back is too.

my beard is long.

my feet are flat.

i just killed a spider.

because that's what i do.

the itch is definitely coming back. slowly. but it is.

we dodged a bullet with this storm. only some siding gone. a few shingles and a missing palm tree and recycling bin.

now, i will trust a guy i barely know with all of my worldly possessions for the next two weeks. there might even be another storm. but i won't see it.

anyways, enjoy the world, world. i'm going to go see a little bit of it.

r

hurricane...

2011-08-26T23:31:00.003-04:00

as i sit in the town that the girl this song reminds me of is from, i wonder how my house is doing?

still most likely it's right around ground zero for Irene's landfall. of course, it looks to be on the bad side if it's not a direct hit.

i turned my car north when i left work tonight instead of east. deciding that my car was more important than sitting on my carport in the 75 mph winds.

will i regret it? probably. but that's what life's about sometimes. you learn from it and move on...of course, when i find out that my house has six feet of water in it, i might end up feeling a bit different...

ha.

or when a tree falls on my car here in new bern...(there's a new bern?)

oh fuck.

wrote

2011-08-25T10:51:00.002-04:00

i wrote in my journal for the first time in a while last night.

felt good. felt right.

now, if i can just keep doing it.

irene

2011-08-25T02:09:00.003-04:00

for the second straight year a pretty damn big hurricane is dangling off the coast here. well, it'll be dangling in a day or two here. last year's was earl. this time it's irene...

i wonder if i'll see one up close finally? if i'll regret it afterwards? during?

i also wonder if i'll be able to get back home from work on friday? if the bridges will be closed?

guess i'll see.

slow and fast

2011-08-16T21:46:00.002-04:00

i'm really trying to come to grips with something. it's been a while since i seriously looked for a job. a couple of months now. but today in the office, i just wanted to quit. to walk out and not go back.

this may get me in trouble, i have no idea, but there's nothing going on that puts me in a place where i'd think things will get better there. i was told that i could write some. but, the opportunities to write are now going to the guy who the don't let work on fridays because he is so shitty on desk that he'd never make deadlines with all the stuff being thrown at him.

so because of this, he is being rewarded with the chance to write.

fuck. the sports guys even said they'd rather have me write. but, since i'm better on deadline and don't crack under pressure i get the shaft.

it's just so fucking frustrating. i could cover a game and do all three sections.

anyways. a friend got some postings unsolicited from a headhunter today. i've got to get into that database. i can write. i can design. i can deal with pressure. and i want to move. this seems to make me a candidate for about anything...

...

in other news, i'm getting a roommate. he's moving in on saturday. it'll be weird, for sure, to live with someone who isn't a girlfriend. i haven't done that since 2000 when i lived with crowley in manassas. and before that on josh and matty's couch for six months.

...

speaking of josh, in just two weeks i'll be hitting the air to go to england and ireland with josh and cath. should be cool. of course, i'm worried about not having any money to spend while over there, as usual. we'll see how that plays out.

...

went to southport, nc, this past weekend with the g/f. we're and odd couple. we live three hours apart and don't talk on the phone. i kind of like that aspect, but i feel sometimes that it doesn't allow us to get to know each other very well. just a weekend here, a weekend there. but i also know that i needed this kind of relationship. if it blossoms, great. but at least i'm not already living with her. that happened in each of my long-term relationships. just ended up living together, even when there was another apartment or house to go to. slow and steady instead of jumping right in.

memory

2011-08-12T00:50:00.002-04:00

the days melt into the nights, and i don't notice the difference.

i watch a cop roar up behind me, i get nervous like everyone does, but instead of just driving and keeping it simple, i wave at him or her. this seems to send a message, as the cop car lags behind a bit. still, it stays there, getting closer, closer, closer, then fading back.

after a bit, i start waving my arm out the window. in that wavy kind way that everyone does when the wind hits hand. eventually, i forget about the cop. he eventually forgets about me and turns.

i stop at the grocery store. i need charcoal. the weirdly hot girl is there. i stare at her for a moment. the russian gal is there too. she stares at me for a moment.

i get the charcoal and a sixer of beer.

when i get home, i realize i needed mouthwash. maybe tomorrow.

i take my herbal pills. the give me energy. at least that's what they tell me.

sleep is calling now. after watching another mindless movie. i don't even remember what it was.

"i could get better...or i could get drunk..."

2011-08-04T10:44:00.001-04:00

$5 bill

2011-08-04T00:17:00.002-04:00

i was given a $5 bill as change when i broke the $50 that ed sent me. it happened last weekend. heck, i wasn't expecting ed to pay me back any of the money i sent him, but he did, which says a hell of a lot about how cool of a dude ed is.

anyways, this $5 bill has six girls names on it. and the date of 12-1-96.

being the skilled reporter that i am (ha!), i plopped down of the the names (one that was at least not common) in facebook just to see. and there was one of the people. at least i assumed so. she was from eastern nc. but now in alaska. i scanned her friends list and at least three of the others were there.

now...do i send a message to one of them? saying i found this $5 bill and was just curious about it's origins. could, and i say could, make a cool story.

maybe it'll be a spark to get me off my lazy ass and start writing again. here first, my other blog later ...

it's funny. had a conversation with my gal the other day. talked about how i wasn't writing. how i never really write when i'm happy. she looked at me and said "so...you're happy?"

i should write that down.

seems fitting...

2011-08-01T20:19:00.000-04:00

don't

2011-07-28T09:58:00.000-04:00

yeah.

richard hell.

2011-07-25T01:08:00.001-04:00

i sometimes forget what it was like to be a neurotic 35 year old.

luckily, i helped the way back machine capture my old blog!!!!!

time travel you mother fuckers!!!!

signs of life...

2011-07-24T22:24:00.003-04:00

the bottle of hot sauce has been on my table for about a month.

i'm not sure how long the dead fly's been there.

i got new speakers,

a girl that really likes me gave them to me.

they're nice speakers.

she's a great gal.

elvis

he's dead.

wind

2011-07-23T02:00:00.002-04:00

love the wind.

hate the tourists.

gotta deal with 'em though.

i figure impotence would be worse.

elvis vegetation.

2011-07-22T00:53:00.002-04:00

elvis was postponed.

boo.

back at home now. it's 94 degrees inside when i get home. so, i turn on the AC.

boo.

time to vege.

blew

2011-07-13T10:31:00.004-04:00

i blew the speakers on my stereo last night. i've had those speakers since i was 9 or 10 years old.

sad face.

all my credit cards are paid off now. that feels nice.

might be getting a roommate. help cut the cost of living.

going to see elvis costello next week. should be nice.

the ceo of the company's in town today. never a good sign.

officially dating someone for over a month now. kind of weird. kind of good.

itching nerve beer

2011-07-08T22:27:00.003-04:00

going to hang out with my cool-ass girlfriend this weekend (again). she's coming down here, should be here in minutes.

got some scribbles in a pad down the last couple of days. hoping the urge and itch are starting to come back. see some different paths to go down (thankfully, maybe).

in bad news...got turned down for that job in n.o. was told i had "great experience" but not "the right experience". oh well. the search continues.

saw a job in arkansas (?!). it intrigued, but not enough to try.

one in texas as well, but the pay was worse than what i get now. no thanks.

well, off to drink a beer and get nervous.

newsflash....

2011-07-06T10:00:00.004-04:00

sick as a dog. blah.

the ants are attacking today. i left a plastic cup on the floor that had remnants of orange juice in it. they were devouring it this morning when i rose.

so, i placed an ant trap in the middle of my living room. they are not devouring that. ha. last laugh is mine.

wow, that was kind of sadistic.

i'm tired all the time. sick. this smokey air has definitely taken a toll on me. who the hell lives like this? me, i guess.

i like black beans.

the loan is approved. my credit card balances will soon all be zero.

big toe.

day 1 of it...

2011-07-01T11:20:00.004-04:00

this time tomorrow, i won't have credit card balances anymore. i've already cut them up and forgotten they exist.

it's been a long time coming, since 1999 really. should have done this years ago instead of trying to be a man and paying them off with insane interest rates keeping me from doing exactly that. it shows that even a smart person can be pathetically dumb.

while it'll be nice to have just one payment, one that is lower than the combined ones by quite a bit, this does not mean i have a free pass to start spending again.

this is just step one.

step two will be selling off the video games to pay down the loan faster.

then, maybe, i can actually start thinking about living a better life.

consider this day 1 of ... shit, i don't know what to label it, so i won't...

two months off...

2011-06-30T11:47:00.001-04:00

i think did me some good.

kind of putting things in perspective. or taking the perspective gained, and utilizing it.

i'm sent here by the chosen one...

2011-06-29T01:25:00.003-04:00

took the first step to getting my life back just now. we'll see if i get approved. if i do, i'll be in control for the first time since 1996 or so.

if this picked route does not work, i have a second route that i will take. a more painful one, for sure, but one that must be done.

i also have begun the list of stuff to be sold.

all of my video games will be sold in the next two months. i will set up this site with photos of it all, hoping to get a bid on the entire lot (very doubtful). if not, i will sell the good shit and just toss the other stuff back to the goodwill pile.

hopefully, i'll take it seriously this time. i'm fucking 40 years old and i need to. i want to. i'd like to have a normal life again. or more correctly, for the first time.

debt sucks. i knew this. but i took the path anyway. now it's fucking time to step off the train. the ride really isn't all that fun, especially making as little money as i am.

i've got a budget set up. it's tight, of course, but doable.

the biggest thing will be no more unnecessary travel. the trips to new orleans. the drives to texas. the hotel rooms. all gone. for at least five years by my count.

of course, if i could get a roommate, the budget would be tight, but not nearly as tight.

it's bye-bye to netflix. already said goodbye to cable. the internet will stay (for now) unless i can find a free wifi spot. which has proven impossible.

the point of no return is straight ahead. i don't want to head down that path. it ends with me penniless, creditless and completely possessionless.

hasta. i need to rest of all this thinking. and getting my life in order shit.

get on with it.

2011-06-28T23:44:00.003-04:00

the walls are closing in.

i can feel it a little more every day.

debt has bounced up,

money ain't no good.

i see a huge light coming at me.

each day a little closer, a little closer, a little closer.

i want to have hope. instead i have naivete.

sell it.

drug it.

fuck it.

move it.

get on with it.

random

2011-06-24T10:45:00.002-04:00

updates...

hanging out with my cousin tonight. hopefully i can get off work at a reasonable hour. but i'm sure the dolts will cover a late game in hopes of getting it in the paper.

ha.

>>

headed to raleigh again this weekend. looking good on that front.

>>

had a long talk about the past with someone not related to me. that was good. it really is nice to talk.

>>

money is as tight as it's been since i moved here. i'm actually getting kind of scared again.

>>

tried to write. wrote a lede, then vaporized.

>>

haven't been to the beach in three weeks now. i live two blocks away. all this traveling on my days off just isn't conducive to it.

>>

bye now.

sigh.

2011-06-22T23:44:00.003-04:00

as the updates get more spotty, i don't really have any excuses.

i'm broke.

i'm bored.

i'm pissed off.

i'm lonely.

i'm happy.

things are better as much as they are worse.

long talks with friends about life. about exes. about should haves and shouldn't haves.

i want to scribble.

yet my hands are motionless.

i want to drink.

but my wallet is empty.

i want to sigh.

but i don't care enough to try.

is...

2011-06-17T01:06:00.001-04:00

in a relationship.

lampin'

2011-06-15T03:12:00.003-04:00

so. yeah.

it's got to be a good sign that after just three dates, a gal buys me a clear lamp that i've been looking for for years for my bottle caps...and then gives it to me on the fourth one?

while i still don't feel the ability to write anything, the urge to is there. i just need to find that thing. that spark. that whatever.

it'll happen. when i least expect it to.

plus, i need to get the fuck out of my current situation of money coming in. it's awful. and it's getting worse. here's to resumes and cover letters.

time

2011-06-14T02:01:00.001-04:00

i'm headed down that road again,
it'll be interesting to see
this time
where it ends...

freak

2011-06-09T11:50:00.006-04:00

so. i didn't go to the doctor yesterday. it was closed for the season. strange. i thought the season here at the beach started with memorial day. guess i was wrong.

luckily, it seems whatever it is has shrunken down to less annoying status. it's most likely a nasty sabaceous cyst, which will go away if i don't fuck with it. it is, however, embarrassingly huge and unsightly. guess i'll just put a bandaid on it and press on.

if it stays around past too long, however, i'll go get it checked out. money, money, money, money.

....

in other news, my car passed 34,000 miles yesterday. crazy. a little over a year now i've had the gerbil.

....

finished my letter of introduction today for a job. i'm qualified for it, hell perfect fit. but my self doubt and reality of my past career make we wonder if i'll even get a call back. but, you can't get it if you don't send it.

so at approximately 3 today, i'll be hitting send....

....

watched the movie "Blue Valentine" last night. i knew what to expect, but damn it was a sad flick.

see trailer:

sadly, i identified with it.

both characters, actually.

sad.

badger, badger, badger, fuck you...

2011-06-08T02:25:00.002-04:00

ok.

things have been going decent lately. other than having absolutely no money, that is.

i've been seeing a girl. it's going well.

jobs been decent.

found a job to apply for.

beach hasn't been crowded.

about the only complaint i've had has been my lack of ability to write.

well, now two things are shitty. as my computer just crashed with a virus...

but the other is i have an awful lump on the back of my neck. popped up four days ago. think it's just, albeit nasty just, a cyst full of awfulness.

but, it may be more sinister.

so, i'm guessing i'm off to the clinic tomorrow. to spend hundreds of dollars i don't have using my non-existent insurance.

take a step forward, leap a mile backwards.

trying to be positive, really. just me getting off my ass and going to a doctor that i can't afford is a positive move, right?

i'd just like something to go in my direction. and i'll keep hoping.

s-n

2011-06-05T20:45:00.001-04:00

sho nuff

crap list...

2011-06-04T21:24:00.003-04:00

didn't want to call it a bucket list.

1. see a show at the whitewater tavern.

2. finish off the 50 states. (anyone want to go to alaska in august?)

3. drink, and get drunk, with a former coach i used to cover. he's a baseball coach.

4. see slobberbone.

5. see the kinks, and if they don't reunite, at least a davies brother.

6. see the boss.

7. drink a beer at 2400 tulane avenue again.

8. move back to new orleans. (applying for a job there on tuesday)...

9. own a 1991 toyota celica again.

10. write a gd book...two of my friends have done it now. fucking awesome!

11. get a copy of 8 paces to jackson.

12.

eh. that's a good start. not very inspiring, but it's a start...

30 day song challenge - day 23

2011-06-03T13:32:00.003-04:00

Day 23 - A song that you want to play at your wedding

you know, there used to be songs that went here. but since i'm not en route to that right now, it's hard to say.

so:

30 day song challenge - day 22

2011-06-01T00:34:00.002-04:00

Day 22 - A song that you listen to when you’re sad

which one to choose?

this one'll work...

i wasted my strength,
and i wasted my youth,

Lucero Live Shows...The List (updated 5-29-11)

2011-05-29T17:01:00.001-04:00

Brief intro here. Here's my list of Lucero shows that I've been lucky enough to wrangle up over the past few years. I was late to the show when it came to getting a hold of bootlegs of my favorite band, but I'm trying.

If you have a show I don't, it'd be awesome to hear from you. I'm seeding a lot of these shows, and can seed others, if asked. So, just ask.

Also, I'm still looking for:

1. An original pressing of "The Attic Tapes" on vinyl. Either the screen print or the Xeroxed one.

2. The "Eight Paces to Jackson" soundtrack CD. I have a copy, not the original.

and anything else you might know of...

here's my list, with a lot of nonsense before it, announcing updates...

enjoy. and of course, go to Luceromusic.com to buy stuff and keep the boys employed...

(oh, and any of these links could die at any time, so don't be mad if they aren't there no more. if you'd like to trade, or get one, drop me a line sometime. i'd love to have more, especially some full concert vids...or older shows 1998-2003)

email me at les_boulez (at) yahoo or go to twitter @les_boulez

this will probably take some time to figure out, so be patient, and come back if you so wish....oh, by the way, i will never put an officially released album on here, so please don't ask. you can buy them here Buy Clickity Lucero albums

so here we go...

Lucero live shows (audio)

February 2, 2011 - Armado's in Martinez, Calif.

December 7, 2010 - At KDHX in studio (Ben and Rick only with interviews)

November 28, 2010 - Great American Music Hall in San Francisco.

February 20, 2010 - The Jefferson Theater in Charlottesville, VA.

February 20, 2010 - The Jefferson Theater in Charlottesville, VA. Version 2

November 17, 2009 - The Visualite Theater in Charlotte, NC.

November 12, 2009 - Daytrotter Sessions @ The Horseshack in Rock Island, SC
(go here to download... )

November 11, 2009 - @ The Thirsty Hippo in Hattiesburg, MS.

October 27, 2009 - @ The Ogden Theater in Denver, CO.

October 21, 2009 - @ The Magic Stick in Detroit, MI.

October 16, 2009 - Live on NPR in Philadelphia, PA. Also has some bits from a Jan. '09 NPR appearance by Ben Nichols.

October 15, 2009 - @ The 9:30 Club in Washington, DC.

October 14, 2009 - @ The National in Richmond, VA.

June 19, 2009 - @Brown's Island (Friday Cheers) in Richmond, VA.

June 6, 2009 - @Wakarusa Festival in Ozark, AR

June 4, 2009 - The Picador in Iowa City, Iowa.

May 30, 2009 - @ The Fox Theatre in Boulder, CO.

May 29, 2009 - @The Bluebird Theater in Denver Colorado

April 21, 2009 - @ The Outback Lodge in Charlottesville, VA.

April 19, 2009 - @ The Black Cat in Washington, DC.

April 11, 2009 - @ The Magic Stick in Detroit, MI.

March 11, 2009 - @ The Pour House in James Island, SC.

February 6, 2009 - @ Terminal 5 in New York City.

February 5, 2009 - @The Ottobar in Baltimore, Md.

December 31, 2008 - @ The Orpheum Theater in Memphis, TN.

August 13, 2008 - @ The Ottobar in Baltimore, MD.

August 12, 2008 - @ North Star Bar in Philadelphia, Pa.

February 2, 2008 - @The Metro in Chicago, IL

October 31, 2007 - @ The Black Cat in Washington, DC.

October 30, 2007 - @ Alley Katz in Richmond, VA.

December 31, 2006 - Didn't write down where it was.

September 9, 2005 - @ The Loft in Atlanta, Ga.
http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
September 24, 2004 - @ Cat's Cradle in Carrboro, NC.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

May 7, 2004 - In Knoxville, Tenn. Disc 1.

May 7, 2004 - Disc 2.

November 21, 2003 - @ Blue Cats in Knoxville, Tenn.

Also, two mediafire links...Disc 1

Disc 2

November 19, 2003 - @Georgia Theater in Athens, Georgia

November 22, 2002 - @WESN in studio acoustic in Bloomington, IL

September 28, 2001 - @ George Street Grocery in Jackson, MS.

April 7, 2000 - @ P&H Cafe in Memphis, TN

Ben Nichols Solo:

June 23, 2008 - @ The Black Cat in Washington, DC.

January 25, 2008 - @ The Mercury Lounge in NYC.

August 6, 2007 - @ Empire in Richmond, VA w/Cory Branan.

June 20, 2007 - @ Rudyard Kipling in Louisville, KY w/Cory Branan.

November 15, 2006 - @ Plan 9 in Richmond, VA
http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
Lucero, etc. live shows (Video)

May 22, 2011 - @ Krazy Fest Youtube

January 11, 2011 - Ben Nichols solo, @ Arkansas CD & Record Exchange, Little Rock, AR.

December 31, 2009 - Ben Nichols, John Paul Keith and Cory Branan @ The Whitewater Tavern in Little Rock, AR.

December 4, 2009 - @ The Village in Little Rock, AR.

November 17, 2009 - @ The Visulite Theatre in Charlotte, NC.

October 20, 2006 - @ Aggie Theater in Fort Collins, CO.

Lucero demos and such

Heart So True

remember it, or it's gone

2011-05-29T02:04:00.002-04:00

this article...

clicky...
http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

got me thinking....

i remember when my last ex, crystal, deleted her myspace page. it didn't seem to really matter in the grand scheme of things. and to this day, really hasn't.

she was just trying to do what she does best, bury the past. ignore what it meant and what it still means. i have a bit of respect for her ability to just ignore all of it. i sometimes wish i could do so.

but, back on point...

she did this without warning. one day her site was there, the next it wasn't. at first, who cared. but then i looked at my inbox. it had shrank considerably.

all of my communications from here, and to her, they were gone. instantly.

nothing i could do about it.

the first time she sent me a message via my comment list...gone.

the first message of awkward "i want to know you" kind of questions...gone.

the first time i asked her on a date. gone.

the aftermath of our first kiss...gone.

it was weird.

i guess i always figured that stuff would stay.

but her deleting it let me know that that wasn't the case.

if you want it to stay, you'd better print it out.

not that i print stuff now.

but i wonder. if this happens again. will i?

of course, i threw all of my letters from the past, going back to the early 90s. the first half b/c of em. the second half b/c of her.

learn from the past.

or keep repeating.

unless you get lucky and/or settle.

30 day song challenge...Day 21

2011-05-28T22:36:00.001-04:00

Day 21 - A song that you listen to when you’re happy

ha.

a song when i'm happy.

i had to think for a moment. then, i thought of this...

metallica.

2011-05-28T22:34:00.002-04:00

was better with cliff burton.

yeah.

they died the day he died.

in some way.

what's wrong with being a drunk band from the bay?

what's wrong with being a drunk from the bay?

hell if i know?

life is too short to worry about it though.

i need to get ....

lyric of the night...

2011-05-27T23:48:00.000-04:00

Now that you found yourself losing your mind
Are you here again?
Finding that what you once thought was real
Is gone, and changing?

Now that you made yourself love me
Do you think I can change it in a day?
How can I place you above me?
Am I lying to you when I say
That I believe in you
I believe in you.

Coming to you at night I see my questions
I feel my doubts
Wishing that maybe in a year or two
We could laugh and let it all out

Now that you made yourself love me
Do you think I can change it in a day?
How can I place you above me?
Am I lying to you when I say
That I believe in you
I believe in you.

30 day song challenge...Day 20

2011-05-27T23:39:00.001-04:00

Day 20 - A song that you listen to when you’re angry

funny. my version of angry is different than most.

a good thing...

2011-05-27T23:30:00.004-04:00

about me not being inspired of late was the passing of a milestone and me not remembering until the morning after.

yesterday was the five year anniversary of the last time i saw emily.

moving out day. or the day i lost my fishing poles, tackle box and my andy kaufman books.

i'm sure there were other things i should be concerned about.

instead, the day came and went. and i didn't notice.

the last conversation we had...

"i want to still be friends..."

"i know."

anyways. the formula says it takes half as long as it was to get over a relationship gone bad.

we were together almost six years.

so the three-year mark was 2009. i guess i started feeling better then.

two years since then, i'm in a much better place.

she still haunts me from time to time. and i think she always will to some extent. my half of the love was that intense.

i have a shot at dating a lady now. we've been on three dates. we seem to be ok with each other so far. one day, she'll know how broke my ass is. that'll be the test.

maybe she'll just read it here and go 'huh, whaddya know?'

and then kiss me.

she's a blonde too. so my streak ended. 40 years. not too bad.

of course, i haven't asked if she's a natural blonde....

i said drunkenly that she was a redhead to a drunk friend who hates redheads on our second date. she seemed to be intrigued by that statement. maybe underneath is a red.

who knows.

who cares.

i'm off to have a couple of bocks and watch the touristas do tourista things.

oh, and i guess i'll do a band/song thing.

quote of the day...

2011-05-25T12:32:00.001-04:00

'a sad soul can kill you quicker, far quicker, than a germ.' -- steinbeck

dates and all...

2011-05-25T02:00:00.000-04:00

ha. first date.

this was the final song.

was in the balcony.

30 day song challenge...Day 19

2011-05-23T14:58:00.002-04:00

Day 19 - A song from your favorite album

this one...my favorite album...it hasn't changed many times over the years...

kiss alive II as a kid.

guns and roses appetite as a teen.

the clash london calling as a college student

and now

lucero lucero as a love-lost adult.

so, this is my favorite song, from my favorite albums of all time:

hard luck woman, kiss alive II

rocket queen, appetite for destruction

train in vain, london calling

wandering star, lucero

2011-05-23T14:56:00.003-04:00

ha.

after all these years. the simple mention of 'squirrels eating pizza' makes me laugh. uncontrollably.

thank you, tumblr user...

30 day song challenge...Day 18

2011-05-21T11:38:00.001-04:00

Day 18 - A song that you wish you heard on the radio

anything by these fellas and female.

yikes...

2011-05-20T12:11:00.002-04:00

you know, i start to have a little bit of a good time, and it ends up being a mistake.

financially, i'm in shambles again for the time being.

i need a better paying gig. i don't make enough money for someone my age, my abilities and my skill set.

"but you get to live at the beach."

yeah, there's that.

sheesh.

30 day song challenge...Day 17

2011-05-20T12:05:00.002-04:00

Day 17 - A song that you hear often on the radio

funny. yesterday, i listened to the radio all the way home from work. i never listen to it, simply because the radio sucks. it's all the same and it saddens me. the airwaves used to be full of nice songs and shitty corporate sludge. a crazy guy talking and a college station pumping out things you've never heard. now, i'm sure it's still that way in college towns and big cities. but not out here in the sticks.

so, instead, i'll just put the no. 1 song from my ipod, which of course, will be a lucero song...

30 day song challenge...Day 16

2011-05-19T23:57:00.000-04:00

Day 16 - A song that you used to love but now hate

i don't hate the song so much, as hate what it means to me when i hear it. so, it gives me a feeling of complete angst when i do because it symbolizes the -- so far -- best and worst part of my life.

some day, it won't bother me. i do believe that.

30 day song challenge...Day 15

2011-05-18T05:55:00.001-04:00

Day 15 - A song that describes you

i know most would have suspected a lucero song here. and i thought long and hard about doing exactly that. but, my friends, this song fits me better. is it optimistic? maybe. is it pessimistic? yeah, a little. but it's always given me hope...

30 day song challenge...Day 14

2011-05-17T11:24:00.001-04:00

Day 14 - A song that no one would expect you to love

this one was a toughie. i like just about all kinds of music, so i would think people who actually know me would expect me to like just about everything.

but, i do have a distaste for pink floyd. but this song has always stuck with me...used to listen to it on a loop back in 1991 or so.

30 day song challenge...Day 13

2011-05-16T19:27:00.001-04:00

Day 13 - A song that is a guilty pleasure

really. anything other than the locomotion.

stuffdate...

2011-05-16T19:21:00.002-04:00

tomorrow is the one-month anniversary of my pledge not to buy anything for a month.

i didn't succeed, but i came damn close.

other than

1. two pairs of shorts

and

2. a cooler.

However, i spent a boat-load on my 30,000-mile "service" on my less than a year old car.

That'll be the last time i spend on the recommended stuff that doesn't need to be "fixed". I mean, the car is less than a year old. I change the oil and i rotate the tires and change the other fluids as they say.

What did i learn? Not spending my crap, the money finds somewhere else it has to go.

Fuck.

I need a better paying job. This treading water shit. It's for the birds.

Plus, if i actually start dating someone now, someone who lives 2.5 hours away, money will start to flow.

yep. i'm a mess.

on-line copy editing? here i come?

bah.