working on it...

i found myself dwelling today. it fits not purpose. fills no need.

i'm trying to figure out exactly what the fuck i'd like to do the next, oh, 20 years. but i seriously don't care enough to try and think about such things.

i want to get out of my situation. the career has deadened. the life has stagnated.

the good? i have a woman that loves me. and i have a woman that i love.

we've already fucking been through the most awful thing imaginable, at least i can't think of anything worse.

if i could do anything? i would just sit in a room and write for a good while. how can i make this happen? by getting out of debt. that simple.

figuring out that part? still working on it...

all the same

i'd like to think this song doesn't fit anymore. i think it doesn't fit anymore. but then i drift into the past, a little too long sometimes, and start to wonder.

love's a damn tough thing. especially when shit hits and you start to doubt yourself. i don't doubt the love, i doubt my ability to be loving. to be there. to help. to give.

too often i wonder if i'm meant to be in love. or if someone should even try to love me. and then i start to think of just how silly it is to ponder such things because i'm not the one who can answer that question. only she can.

need.

well, not exactly a need, more a want and a means to something.

but, i feel i need to get busy.

get writing again.

i will this weekend. and tuesday i'll start posting again.

promise.

to me.

to you (ha, you).

internet version of me

took a walk into the past tonight. it wasn't bad. it wasn't much, really. i got bored after a while and left. took a turn and found myself back where i was, just before i visited. the insomnia isn't back, but i've started staying up way too late. it'll come back to haunt me sooner or later, i'm sure.

it dawned on me that thinking hasn't gotten me anywhere lately. nor not thinking.

the teeth hurt more than usual. the back doesn't.

friends are drifting further away. not much i seem to be able to do about it.

i wish the new lucero album was available. i've heard five of the songs so far by combing blogs and such. many brag about hearing it, some say it has leaked. i can't find it. and i've already bought two copies of it.

ahhhh, the impatience of the internet version of me.

yet.

i want to cry. i want to hit. i want to cuss. i want to drive.

but i can't do any of them.

yet.

numbness

i'm scared of the numbness. it's a feeling i haven't had in quite a while and hoped i'd never feel again. yet, here i am, numb.

i guess it's good that i know this feeling. that i get what it is. but i feel like i'm heading towards a downward spiral that i don't want to fall into.

at least i'm eating this time. getting fat even.

it'll keep me sane.

hopefully.

sleep deprivation

it's the past...stop living in it.

and go to fucking sleep.

next up...moving.

shit.

well.

that was the awful week from hell.

the town i love always breaks my heart.

so cruelly.

each time.

sad day...

R.I.P.

Can of Whoop Ass.

you were created and given to me back in 1997 or so.during the old days at the state press at ASU. a joke that followed me to every job i ever had in journalism, thank you ed carter and mostly john sheehy.

now, i have a soiled label from a can of whoop ass. who knows what the contents of that old can of something actually were. only aaron brutcher (sp?) knew.

maybe that's the sign i've really been waiting for. the end of a run in this field?

we shall see...

broke ass

how many times can one watch 'the wire'? i'm watching it again. and it still holds up. never really get tired of it.

walked a long ass way today. on the beach. calves are hurting. i'm out of shape again.

getting nervous about things. we shall see.

one week of work before i hit new orleans. need that. even though i'm broke....

older, budweiser

since when is 66 degrees cold? i should be warm. it's january. but instead, i feel a bit on the cool side.

getting old blows.

stressed ...

wow. that was a whirlwind of a couple of days. lots of emotion. lots of driving. lots of thinking and worry.

here's hoping this is the worst it gets, b/c i can't do much more of this.

and yes, this is vague.

it has to be.

for now.

here's to going to new orleans next week. much needed vacation...

don't die...

yeah, it's cold.

but it ain't that cold.

sitting on the couch under a blanket isn't ideal, but it's cheap.

one day, i'll look back at this and laugh, wonder why i was so occupied with thoughts, with meaningless fears, sadness and dread.

or, i'll die in a shitty car wreck or dive bar.

i know which i'd prefer.

the IDC factor

well, the i don't care factor reached a pretty big mark today.

so, i watched tv and ate triscuits.

dead horse

i reached for a paper towel after washing my hands. a bug flew out and hovered over the sink, watching it, i got depressed. "this is what my life has become," i thought, taking a huge sigh while drying off my hands. i remember when a newsroom used to be the center of my universe. it started in college. not the first time, but the second time. and i fell in love with it. the camaraderie i felt with the guys and gals in the section, as well as the brotherhood you felt with even those that you couldn't stand. we all seemed to be there because we loved it. now, almost 20 years later, very few of us are still doing it. some became PR flacks. some teach. others just gave up and blew away with the wind. i tried to get out, well, it tried to get rid of me first, then i came back. i do miss it. the thrill of a story, the rapid heartbeat when you get something no one else has. when you see it in print it is magical. but that doesn't happen much anymore. someone gets a story and you tweet it. then it's everywhere in seconds and no one much cares for who got it first. the work it took to get it. the value is gone, and that's sad. kind of like this bug. i don't have the heart to squash it. i figure i'm squashed enough. as my life veers out of control in a good way now, i start to wonder what i'll be doing in a year. will my "friends" in the industry scoff at it. i'm starting to not care. well, i tell myself that.

karma, karma, karma...

keep throwing coal into the karma train. eventually, it'll stop at your house...

a thought..

it's bitterly cold in here. i have two space heaters going and the wind outside blowing through the vents makes it feel like they are just pumping out more cool air. the ability to deal with it surprises me sometimes. my teeth hurt from the cold. my eyes are dry and don't see very well anymore. the quiet sometimes gnaws at my brain a little too much. i wonder why after all these years, i still spell gnaw, knaw? the face of the unknown makes me happy. it scares me, but i'm sure not as much as it scares her. the job i want doesn't exist anymore, and trying to figure out what else to do scares me. necessity will soon enough make me do something, i want to do something, but not anything. but i feel anything is what will be done.

be

i keep trying to promise myself to get back here...because it is important. i have lots to say, lots of things are happening in my life, things that need to be written about.

yet, i'm scared to.

and that disappoints me.

but, it will pass. eventually. hopefully.

or else i'll just be like all the things i don't want to be.

R.I.P. joe...

10 years is a long time...

R.I.P. Joe...

rhubarb

is a long time between even attempting to sit down in front of this keyboard and type something.

drank a beer last night. then drank another. then i got tired and just fell asleep.

it's a wonder i can contain myself with all the excitement that that entains.

sent out christmas cards. last year i sent over 30. this year, just 25.

i got four last year. i have two so far this year.

it's better to give than to receive. remember that.

i may still send out three more, but i have to track down addresses. that's the rub. right? it's so much easier to just wait until christmas and send a text message or a facebook comment!!!

where's the emp to wipe it all away?

it's supposed to be near 70 today. it's not. i went outside and it was in the high-50s. i'm sure it will be warmer when i'm at work. sitting in that cubicle, listening to my co-workers fart, burp and chew.

funny to hear that the guy who didn't hire me sees me as a "wasted" resource in the company. that made me laugh for a moment yesterday. hope you love the chicken fucker you hired instead. and by no means does that imply the person fucks chickens, just seems to be an apt moniker.

the mail comes earlier this time of year. i wonder if the postal service treated every time of year like the christmas holidays that they'd be in better shape?

doubt it.

just like me.

rhubarb. now there's a funny word.

just...

saw the lindsey lohan playboy cover...

blech.

go back to being a redhead, honey. it'll help.

a little.

...

the wind is howling like an m-fer right now. the police are swarming around cars as well. it's not a good night to a/try and put up christmas lights or fly a kite, or b/drive drunk.

so don't do either of them.